I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
