I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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