new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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