peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
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