He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time