My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick