The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
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I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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