the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
what day is it and did you see me today?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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