oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
