i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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