have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
