It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
