You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
