If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
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Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
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Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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