i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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