nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Barsexuality is the new black.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
