Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
