yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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