I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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