I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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