on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
