I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
