I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
