Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
