youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
