We won't sleep together?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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