You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
