What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
