Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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