I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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