I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
