If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
