Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
