He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
