i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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