Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
