I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
