Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
