OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Please, let me fuck your mom
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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