sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
