I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
