Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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