I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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