im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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