she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
