I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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