No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
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My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.