you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.