Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
3pm strippers are depressing
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.