I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Green mimosas i think yes
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
A bitchslap is in order.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
