Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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