OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
