we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
