Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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