my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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