These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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